But general anxiety on this level is still causing them problems and will in future if he cant get it under control. and I was gutted. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. And so on. What happens in Vegas was a successful ad campaign that ran its course a long time ago, not a requirement for how to treat the trip. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over - Scary Mommy Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. I think its fine for different people to have different types of relationships. Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. Is she free to travel then? I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). I have anxiety, and so does my husband and this isnt really an anxiety reaction, but a control issue. (also +1000 to RabbitRabbit for anxiety manifesting as control theyre not necessarily separate). The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). One of our Bright Side readers sent us an e-mail pouring her heart out about a tricky situation she's going through. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. I dont think hed bring up that the majority of people he asked thought he was wrong. That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. we can all agree that either way, Husband isnt likely to change his behaviour without some outside intervention, so I do hope that counselling is an option for them. I like having the house to myself for a weekend. If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. Long term I also agree with everyone elses recommendations for anxiety screening and counseling. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationmobile homes for rent in patterson, la. Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. She Won't Tell Her Husband the Gender of Their Baby Because He Refused In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. Anywhere in the USA or abroad. A relationship problem is not necessarily a problem where both people in the relationship are doing something wrong, but a problem that affects the relationship. If I wanted to put on pants and walk across the casino I would just eat at a casino floor restaurant instead of ordering deliverywhich Im sure explains their policy more than security concerns! I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. If its an issue that they dont trust OP, that probably needs counseling. She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! You might want to change, but also can't. If you need to go out and do things, go do those with your friends and family, or even initially-strangers via v. For the OP, thats the problem here. Yes, this. Because my husband trusts me. But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. Might I suggest Hotwire? My wife and I have two young kids. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . Or leave? When does his flight land? And then a few answers like well, I wouldnt exactly be happy and yes, Jane needs nine hours of sleep every night and Id really miss her can be heard as my friends wouldnt like it either. From there, LWs husband might turn even one joking Id tell her she had to stay home, they cant make her go into I asked my friends, and they wouldnt let their wives do that, and might not even realize that this wasnt what all of his friends thought or how their marriages work. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. And he wouldnt like it either, wed be heading down to the pool and see people going to conferences and feel sorry for them that they had to spend the day inside while we sat in the sun with a mojito. There is plenty to do in Las Vegas that has nothing to do with sin and can be done in any big city (restaurants, shopping, going to theater, etc.). This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. Surely you jest! Blergh. Yeah, it might not be the safest if youre wandering around at night by yourself (just like anywhere, really), but aside from being irritated by the smoke in the casino areas, I had no issues whatsoever. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. Hed probably drive her nuts the entire trip monitoring when she comes and goes, trying to veto business dinners with her colleagues, calling her if shes a minute later than she said shed beAnd if youre working the conference, its exhausting and theres not really a lot of time to explore. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. Umm, so Im not sure how to say this in away that wont come off snarky, so let me apologize in advance for not be able to think of a good way to word this: This was not a questions for AAM. I go there once or twice a year for my relaxing vacation. They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. I HATED IT! (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). You are married to someone who spent three days while you were traveling for work burdening you withgroundless questions about your conduct. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). That sounds like you, AP but the LWs husband sounds like the former. The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. Im sure he must have good qualities, but this isnt one of them. It was BAD. It really seems like your husband doesnt trust you, and as AAM said, that is a relationship problem. Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. My husband makes every work trip a miserable experience for me and is angry at me for days before and days after. Oh, god, me too! This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). My own brain is like that. At work? My husband wants to bring his mother on our European vacation. Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. I really dont care if you pitch a fit. Then disengage. Even the others theyre married to. If you think a situation sounds abusive, please dont recommend couples therapy. I played Princess Bride slots for 45 minutes. Eating a meal? But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. Yes, this. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). I do NOT like it because OMG ALL THE NOISE ALL THE TIME, but I didnt ever feel unsafe. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. Yeah and Ill add that it makes the advice people are giving much less likely to be effective/heard/followed by the OP if people are attacking a man she presumably loves and finds reasonable outside of this situation. As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. Husband doesn't want to go on family vacation It makes me uneasy and I dont want to let her go. Food! I agree. Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! For me, this is a differentiation between asking for permission from the perspective of consideration for the other person (kids are the #1 reason here), and asking for permission because the nature of your relationship dictates that one person gets to decide what the other person can/should be doing. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. My husband has been for business conferences. Theres a weird dichotomy with that place. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. It isnt like the reputation just happened by accident. I didnt sign up for this. My grandmother pays for the trip. If I ask him he will clarify but I trust him and dont need to worry. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. Everyone else said she deserved it! Either way you are not out of line; your company is not out of line; your husband is out of line. Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. Vegas is a perfectly lovely city where people raise families and everything!! Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. ^ +1000, this was the most mind-boggling to me as well. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. Well there it is. Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Las Vegas facilities can serve dinner to 5000+ people in less than 30 minutes without breaking a sweat. Again, not a concern for either of us. Ive only been to Vegas twice. It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. I dont know about gambling but partying? I agree with the counseling suggestion. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. as an excuse for his angst. ;). When I talk to my friends nowadays (still in Ohio, btw! Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Even with the additional information. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! Yeah theres a mosque and an Islamic centre, but Ive been into both for visit my mosque day and the imam was happy to talk to me (a white non-religious woman) and everyone was very nice and gave us snacks, so yeah. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. This sounds like a difficult situation, so do whats best for you. Ive stayed in beautiful NYC and D.C. hotels for less than $130 a night. Menu. Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. Being with a partner whose anxieties and irrational fears are put on your shoulders is not healthy, and thank god I recognized it when I did! Really? It feels as if the OPs husband is just latching onto the location as an excuse. He could use some time and a space where he could work through these anxieties with a therapist who could help him think of ways to handle them better. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. Couples counseling can be super helpful even if the source (so to speak) of the problem is one partner. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. I cordially dislike Vegas. I agree. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? Well, okay, then, if your mom says so!. Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. Thats an unreasonable stance. Sadly, that would be a culture that supports controlling behavior. Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Sounds great. We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. Thats the issue here. Theyve had a lot of issues actually, and it kind of doesnt work for her. I remember when I was young, if my mom went out to run errands and said shed be back at 4 and it was 4:15 I would panic.