Here, have a carrot! Its almost a law. I`m really worried about myself. I stepped on a rake. The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. So what are you waiting for? Laugh more: Amusing Jokes To Tell Your Friends, What do you call a lion playing golf? Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five. A great golf course both frees and challenges a golfers mind. Tom Watson, 7. Henny Youngman, Go play golf. "I'm the best. When is it too wet to play golf? 75 Funny Knock Knock Jokes 2023 to Make You Laugh. Mark Twain, The average golfer doesnt play golf. Go Premium to get full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Kurt Philip Behm, The reason they call it golf is that all the other 4 letter words were used up. Perhaps it's the depth of (often negative) emotion the average golfer feels as a result of the game that inspires him to wax poetic. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links. I'd say how hard do I hit it, he'd tell me and I'd swing. These words carry the feeling for those you care about and those who care about you. What do you call a lion playing golf? You look like someone who likes to swing. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. Golfing? Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?" P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.. Why dont grasshoppers play golf? Why didnt the golfer finish his homework? Are you into kinky stuff? The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Without trust, it feels like you and your golf club are on opposite sides of a tug-of-war. Dr. Joseph Parent, 9. Joe Torre, It is not possible to play golf consistently well without sound mental skills. In a way, this quote is a stand-in for the entire volume of comedic wit and great golf quotes in Caddyshack. Golfs three ugliest words: Still your shot. Dave Marr, 36. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. How many strokes was that? We have a threesome, care to join us? Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, youre not good enough to get angry. So dont even try it. The end. See you in the Email! Thats how long a Scotsman takes to finish a bottle of Scotch! If a bird sh#ts on your golf cart, do not ever take her golfing again. Would you like to see my Slazenger along with my freshly cleaned balls? When a golfer lies, he doesnt have to bring any proof home. Required fields are marked *. Tiagra. When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the mens tee, please!. Well, what can you really say about the great Chi Chi Rodriguez's quote? I prayed that I would react well if I missed. Chi Chi Rodriguez, 44. The true funniest golf quotes of all time are likely never put to paper and aren't spoken by golfers or celebrities. Ahole in oneis amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. Well have whatever Mac OGrady is smoking. Spice things up with these dirty golf jokes. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. A shot that goes in the cup is pure luck, but a shot to within two feet of the flag is skill. Ben Hogan, 5. Kurt Philip Behm, Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease. "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". Why are there 18 holes on a golf course? Billy Graham, Show me a man who is a good loser and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Jay Griffiths, Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. Noah who? "Golf is my profession. Because it would interrupt their tea time. It took one afternoon on the golf course. Well, I bet that these Knock Knock Golf Jokes can knock you up in the ground laughing! Repeat until the ball is in the hole. The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle, and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Nothing. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. If you think youre standing too close to the ball, make sure youve actually struck it with your club after swinging. Because he thought every day he needed to play around. He looked at his caddie and said, Ive played so badly all day, I think Im going to drown myself in that lake., The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, Im not sure you could keep your head down that long.. Success depends less on strength of body than upon strength of mind and character. Arnold Palmer, 52. Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? 1. "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.". Dirt your body. 5. You're like an ugly dog-leg, but I'd still like to tee off. Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? When hes not on the green, you can find him wishing that he was Fortunately hes happy tojust chat about it here until the next time. Id cry too if I played golf like you. That means if you click and purchase, I may receive a small commission. Dont break your heart, but flirt with the possibility. Louise Suggs, 8. Play golf. Bobby Darnel, If you want to hook a ball turn both hands toward the right side on the grip or shaft. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. Sick of the same tired old golf puns and gags? Man: "Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass." A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. Is your body a shot that comes up short on the 17th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews because I can see it rolling around in the sand? There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. P.G. You wont be able to keep your head down long enough. Golfing is like masturbation, sex, or pooping?! The harder you practice, the luckier you get. Gary Player, 32. From the moment I saw you, I've had a vertical shaft angle. He went up to her, talked to her, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. If there has been one fundamental reason for my success, this is it. Gene Sarazen, 22. They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. Raymond Floyd. "Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.". I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it is disgusting to watch. With the exception of the putter and the driver remember that you hit down on every other shot in golf. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. The means are as important as the ends. 3. You made an 11 on a Par 3 hole? Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club? I tell it that this isnt going to hurt a bit. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole dead on line. Achieve more with each and every round you play. We have compiled the best list of pick up lines with references to golf style, golf clubs, golf course, and various famous golf celebrity. He was puttering around. With this in mind, here are the 10 funniest golf quotes of all time. Golfs a game where you shout, FOUR! and score a seven, while writing down a five. Golf is more complicated than that. What does a golfer do on his day off? In golf as in life, it is the follow through that makes the difference. Anonymous, 34. Robert Fuller Murray, The uglier a mans legs are, the better he plays golf. "If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.". To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. Its just really hard to play. Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you. Arnold Palmer, 65. Theres no sense in going to a tournament if you dont believe that you can win it. Tiger Woods, 20. Harry Vardon, There is no movement in golf that cannot be made more difficult through diligent study and practice. Full Text: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? Check out these hilarious jokes that are guaranteed to make you smile. Knock, knock Another Ball in the Trees. Robert Fuller Murray, Be a mind beater-not a ball beater. I am a Musician. Gerald Ford, I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because Id spent about half the day in the woods. Ben Hogan, I know I am getting better at golf because Im hitting fewer spectators. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. Wodehouse Lift your head and spread your legs. 5. I know what to look for. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers , Now, enough talking, lets swing this thing. A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. 47 Hilarious Quotes About Driving. The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf. clubs. Andy to ave a water golf ball retriever for the round with you! now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. but I can show you what is! These are results of some deep thoughts and observations from their lives and are like our lives because we are all human. Ben Hogan, The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery. Jack Benny, The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. PG Wodehouse. So, what are your thoughts? I've got some good news. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. I give him the driver. Ben Hogan, And theres many neat cottages with gardens very nice / And picturesque villas, which can be rented at a reasonable price / Besides, theres a golf course for those that such a game seeks / Which would prove a great attraction to the knights of clubs and cleeks. What do you call a blonde at a golf course? What is the difference between a fisherman and a golfer? Why do golfers carry a spare pair of golf shorts? Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." -Bob Hope "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife. G.K. Chesterton, I dont like to watch golf on television because I cant stand people who whisper. "The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.". Whether you are watching or playing golf, everyone loves a good golf joke thats why weve rounded up these Funny Golfer Jokes that you and your friends can laugh about! 3. Please add a link to this article. Mar 14, 2021 - Find the best golf humor and cartoons on this board by www.GolfBallsUnlimited.com. What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? You dont know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. Lee Trevino at his best. They have been there where we are standing now. However, every person playing the game has the basis of good mental skills for golf. Many golfing terms sound naughty. Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken. Jan 1, 2016 - Explore Uwharrie Point | Golf Communit's board "Golf Quotes", followed by 482 people on Pinterest. How does a brunette keep her husband from a blond working at a golf course? Where is the best place to go on vacation? It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing you're a bad golfer. All he knows how to play with is Clubs! From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. Why didnt the golfer get his homework done? 20. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Robert Fuller Murray, Golf is a fascinating game. Although the same can be said of the rest of the items on this list, just reading the quote doesn't really do justice to its comedic value. If you break 80, watch your business.". Always keep learning. I give the ball some sweet talk. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.". What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? Why a carrot as a logo? "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance." Lansky's quote is funny because, well, as golfers we're all a little bit masochistic. It took one afternoon on the golf course. Hank Aaron, owner of 755 home runs and one amazing golf quote. Golf is very much like a love affair. You need to adjust your grip. The mark of a great player is in his ability to come back. Dirty Golf Pick Up Lines. Because all the other four letter words were taken. William Topaz McGonagall, Golf epitomizes the tame world. Dirty Quotes For Him "You can stay but your clothes must go." "Let's make love, then have a h0t dirty time." "I promise to always be by your side. I . Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. P.G. For you only, all the funny golf quotes images have been created that you are going to explore now. Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? How the heck did that happen? You'll get wet outside and inside with these sexy quotes. Even though youre a little ashamed of what you have done, you know you will do it again. USE OF AND/OR REGISTRATION ON ANY PORTION OF THIS SITE CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF OURVISITOR AGREEMENT(UPDATED 1/6/23),PRIVACY AND COOKIES NOTICE(UPDATED 1/4/23) ANDCALIFORNIA PRIVACY NOTICE. Golfing Quotes "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a -- Winston Churchill "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the -- Jack Benny "You can make a lot of money in this game. You may have heard these renowned quotes about funny golf before. Sunday Service. The guys who come Enjoy the game, enjoy these best golf jokes. "Gunga galunga gunga, gunga-galunga." You're more beautiful than a hundred pink flamingos on a golf course. Please add a link to this site. I like big putts and I cannot lie. Do you share these funny golf jokes? 1. What did the duck say to the golf ball? 56 Golf Pick Up Lines Many golfing terms sound naughty. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. The greatest single lesson to be learned from golf is mental discipline. Louise Suggs, 51. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? The rest is being comfortable with the different situations on the course. Mickey Wright, 57. Just tap it in. Instead of worrying about making a fool of yourself in front of a crowd of 4 or 40,000, forget about how your swing may look and concentrate instead on where you want the ball to go. nay I my child, and eke, oh! "Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot Sir W.G. Do you know why the game is called golf? Don't worry to do dirty jobs. That round was so poor, I think Im going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself, I honestly doubt that. Answer: Roarin Mcilroy. O'Grady's comment relates the essence of the experience of a lot of rounds of golf for a lot of golfers. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Ellis Parker Butler, When we watch pro golfers, we expect them to play well, to make the shots we know we cant, and to be entertaining. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse. And it matters how we go about attaining them. Youre too out-of-shape to play in the church softball league. -- Lee Trevino "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges Full Text: Please do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground. Say what you want about the other sports, none of them hold a candle to golf when it comes to inspirational and downright funny quotes. Joe Posnanski, Over the years, Ive studied the habits of golfers. Putter Around. Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots. Dr. Bob Rotella, 64. The famed author of Centaur, John Updike wrote about the gentleman's game with some regularity. I wanna take out your golf clubs and score a HOLE in 1. But dont take it from us, check out the funny golf quotes below and enjoy a laugh or two. "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off." Bruce Lansky 15 of 50 Scott Halleran/Getty Images "On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. I had a hole in nothing. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. After 18 holes I can barely walk. David Brenner, For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? We share them in our weekly newsletter. Golf?! Its possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. I never prayed that I would make a putt. Twelfth son of the Lama. He also starred with the equally late and great Walter Matthau in one of my favorite movies, Grumpy Old Men. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Sometimes a good joke can lighten up the mood. At the golf corpse! Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night? It is at the same time rewarding and maddening and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented. Arnold Palmer, 2. It means, in so many words, that if you can golf when the wind is blowing youre a man; if not, youre still a boy.